Joining a cult might seem like a fun way to make friends, rock some matching outfits, or find a sense of belonging, but let’s not forget the fine print. From drinking Kool-Aid to buying Nikes for your next “spaceship ride,” cult life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. To help you weigh your options (and keep things in good humor), here’s a breakdown of America’s most notorious cults—their leaders, quirks, and the questionable “perks” they offered.
Disclaimer: This is all in good fun, but seriously, don’t join a cult. Keep reading to the end for an important PSA!
1. Peoples Temple (Jonestown)
- Founder: Jim Jones
- Location: California → Guyana
- Date: 1955–1978
- Requirements: Absolute loyalty to Jones, relocation to a jungle commune, and—yep—drinking Kool-Aid laced with cyanide.
- Pros:
- Tropical living! No winter coats needed in Guyana.
- Free meals (if you didn’t mind the rice-and-beans monotony).
- Cons:
- Paranoia-inducing leadership.
- The final “refreshment” wasn’t optional.
- Pro Tip: Only drink Kool-Aid if you really know what’s in it.
2. Heaven’s Gate
- Founders: Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles
- Location: San Diego, California
- Date: 1974–1997
- Requirements: Matching Nike sneakers, shaved heads, castration (yep), and a belief that a UFO behind a comet would whisk you to salvation.
- Pros:
- Cool, coordinated outfits.
- Never have to worry about bad hair days again.
- Cons:
- Extreme measures to “detach from earthly ties.”
- Waiting for UFOs that don’t show up is a bummer.
- Pro Tip: If your salvation involves sneakers and celestial objects, maybe walk the other way.
3. The Manson Family
- Founder: Charles Manson
- Location: California
- Date: Late 1960s
- Requirements: Obedience to Manson, communal living, and participation in crimes to spark “Helter Skelter.”
- Pros:
- 1960s hippie vibes with free-flowing creativity (and LSD).
- Intimate group bonding.
- Cons:
- Following a leader who never stopped rambling about The Beatles.
- Legal trouble—not to mention murder charges.
- Pro Tip: If your “family” comes with an apocalypse prophecy, maybe skip Thanksgiving dinner.
4. Branch Davidians
- Founder: David Koresh
- Location: Waco, Texas
- Date: 1955–1993 (Koresh’s era: 1980s–1993)
- Requirements: Communal living, strict obedience, and Koresh claiming the rights to all the women.
- Pros:
- You get to live on a big ranch.
- Plenty of Bible study (if that’s your thing).
- Cons:
- Limited personal freedoms.
- Risk of ending up in a highly publicized standoff.
- Pro Tip: Sharing bunk beds is fine; sharing your wife with the leader? Less fine.
5. Scientology
- Founder: L. Ron Hubbard
- Location: Worldwide (main HQ in Clearwater, Florida)
- Date: 1950s–Present
- Requirements: Paying for “auditing” sessions, cutting ties with critics, and worshiping Hubbard’s teachings.
- Pros:
- Fancy buildings and celebrity sightings.
- Deep conversations about “thetans.”
- Cons:
- Your wallet will never forgive you.
- “Disconnecting” from family and friends.
- Pro Tip: If you have to pay for enlightenment, maybe save your money for a vacation instead.
6. Aum Shinrikyo
- Founder: Shoko Asahara
- Location: Tokyo, Japan (with international branches)
- Date: 1984-1995
- Requirements: Belief in doomsday prophecies, chemical attacks as a path to salvation, and unwavering devotion to Asahara.
- Pros:
- Intense spiritual experiences (if visions of doom count).
- Group meditation sessions (gas masks optional).
- Cons:
- International terrorism and chemical warfare? Hard pass.
- End up in prison or worse.
- Pro Tip: If enlightenment involves hazardous materials, maybe try a yoga class instead.
7. The Rajneeshees
- Founder: Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (Osho)
- Location: Oregon
- Date: 1981–1985
- Requirements: Red/orange clothing, communal living, and… poisoning the local town.
- Pros:
- Daily meditation and yoga.
- Vibrant color-coordinated wardrobes.
- Cons:
- Bioterrorism charges are a hard pass.
- Clashing with the locals.
- Pro Tip: Just wear the orange clothes and skip the criminal activity. And don’t eat the salad!
8. Children of God (The Family)
- Founder: David Berg
- Location: California → Global
- Date: 1968–Present (under new names)
- Requirements: Evangelizing, communal living, and… uh, unconventional “love.”
- Pros:
- Lots of travel opportunities.
- A tight-knit community.
- Cons:
- Highly questionable practices.
- Isolation from the outside world.
- Pro Tip: Love and sharing are great—but not when they violate boundaries.
9. The Order of the Solar Temple
- Founders: Luc Jouret and Joseph Di Mambro
- Location: Switzerland, Canada, and France
- Date: 1984–1997
- Requirements: Belief in Templar mythology, extravagant rituals, and group suicides.
- Pros:
- You get to play dress-up in robes and capes.
- The rituals are Instagram-worthy.
- Cons:
- Joining ends up costing more than just your time.
- Rituals end badly—like, really badly.
- Pro Tip: Medieval cosplay is fun, but maybe keep it at the Renaissance Fair.
10. NXIVM
- Founder: Keith Raniere
- Location: New York
- Date: 1998–2018
- Requirements: Multi-level marketing-style recruitment, branding, and servitude to the leader.
- Pros:
- Self-help workshops.
- The promise of personal growth.
- Cons:
- Pyramid schemes + branding = nope.
- Legal battles and prison sentences.
- Pro Tip: If “personal growth” involves permanent scars, maybe stick to yoga.
PSA: What to Do if You Suspect a Loved One Has Joined a Cult
If you think someone you know has been indoctrinated into a cult:
- Stay Connected: Don’t isolate them further—keep lines of communication open.
- Do Your Homework: Learn about the group and its tactics.
- Offer Support: Gently express your concerns without being confrontational.
- Seek Professional Help: Contact experts in cult deprogramming or organizations like the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA).
Remember: Humor is fun, but real cults aren’t. Stay skeptical, stay safe, and maybe just stick to book clubs—they’re way less risky.
